Depression 14th July 2016

Today I have to tackle a subject that is close to my heart, “DEPRESSION and the spectre of DISABILITY” – Mental and Physical. The reasons are many as I have had to cope with my “#HiddenDisability” that were eventually triggered and exacerbated into this full blown Depression over the years, Google and Google AdWords are some of the places that my stories can be found in cyberspace. Yesterday I was #paralysed with all the symptoms of Depression resulting from events over which I have no control. Before people start to judge me about issues for which they have absolutely no knowledge, I would entreat them to take a little time to be in my shoes for just a second of my #traumatised life. The Maudsley Hospital is where I eventually got counselling to help with my disabilities triggered into PTSD in 2 workplaces. Some might think Depression is the preserve of the Celebrity, Rich and Famous. However this is a total #myth perpetuated by the Media and my husband Daily Express of choice.

The Celebrities are only knowledgeable about how to use their Mental Health Conditions to benefit their recovery and make money on the side. And they have the Media and Tabloid Press to help them #market themselves to a wider audience. As I learned via studies, those who equip themselves with the knowledge about any of life’s issues are the ones who reap the most benefits for themselves and families, MQ: Transforming mental health. That’s why these days I am making it my business to be my own Self-Promotor as no one else is that interested in what’s best for the other individual Policy Studies Institute and Acas. Dr Maria Hudson (2012) University of Essex. Research Report: The Experience of Discrimination on Multiple Grounds. My younger brother Ervin Nembhard Nembhard, puts it precisely when he told me to make sure I look out for and do what’s best for me. Without a shadow of a doubt, I can see the sense in what he told me a few weeks ago. Now 2 years coming up.

Yesterday I had another Melt-Down as I just could not deal with the amount of pressures directed at me from every corners, LEYF Nurseries. I don’t know what I have done to deserve all the bad things that have been happening to trigger the Depression as soon as I think I am in control. I know getting into a state is not good for “mine or my husband’s Disabilities and Progressive Health Conditions”, but when the “Black Dog – Depression” attacks, I have no powers to ward off the attack and just have to go with the flow. Mine and my husband’s entire lives are affected. I can’t eat, sleep or function properly to carry out normal day to day activities. Being his “Carer is detrimental to his overall Health and Wellbeing” if I am in a Depressive State and unable to care for him.

If my husband starts worrying about me, like what happened over the past year from October 2014 to date, then there is every likelihood he starts getting “HYPOS” regularly. If I am unable to perform my “Statutory DUTY of Care”, I am condemning both of us to sufferings that I refuse to think about owing to my “Traumatic Childhood into Adulthood” that changed the course of a promising life. That’s why I probably developed the “Obsessive Compulsive Disorders (#OCD) behaviours” as coping mechanisms? I use whatever #interventions I can muster to get me going. As I have been letting it known, I Cuss Bad Wuds, like a Trooper to alleviate my “Stress as a form of Therapy”. Barring that I might end up provoked and frustrated into Committing Criminal Offences over the years Employment Tribunals London South.

Worse still I would not be able to cope, ending up in the Slammer like my brother. The sad thing about my brother ending up and DYING in #Prison, is that he never have the sort of #resilience like I do. So he did what he thought was best at the time and went to church to wait for the authorities. My only hope is he had time to reflect on the circumstances that dictated the decisions he had to take, he became remorseful and forgiving for what he was provoked into doing. I on the other hand will never commit a Criminal Act, unless they Criminalise Cussing Bad Wuds? So when I feel down and out and unable to cope, I go into Bad Wuds Cussing Mode so as not to let the “Devil use me to do his will”, Passive Aggression.

If anyone want to claim responsibilities, LEYF Nurseries, for my Bad Wud Cussing Modes, they are welcome as I don’t pick, chose nor refuse when I lose control. The things that set me off at any given times is the way matters affect me about the little things… Like not knowing why I am being singled out for “DISCRIMINATION of the magnitude that happened to me on 2 separate occasions in the UK”. Last week after getting myself out of a spell of Depression, I was so happy with my achievements. I went out into the public domain to celebrate what is good about being British, #Britishvalues. I was brought back to earth with a bump with a letter on which my whole life depends. This letter contains information about whether I have “a roof over my head or is going to find myself homeless” again.

So I dropped everything to get the matters sorted, because when you have been in certain situations, you don’t want to revisit them. I was at the Job Centre Tuesday and Wednesday Department for Work and Pensions – DWP, when instinct told me that the information I was receiving was not addressing the questions needing answers. I got on the telephone. But I have to be “Assertive and when my Disability – Chronic Anxiety is triggered” this bring out the Passive Aggressive Behaviours in me. Sorry folks I need to go do my Research about how not to be “Passive Aggressive” to anyone. I just discovered that along with all the “Lovely Descriptive Narratives” used to describe me by BIB & #LEYF, I am Passive Aggressive. Poopa Jesus if only my Dead Parents would have known what was to happen to their one GIRL, they might have offered some “Protection from the Grave”?

Sadly for me, when I studied The The Open University, I was told that if you are asked any questions pertaining to your job and you do not know the answers, you should promise to find out from someone in authority who should know. A worker should never tell a parent in my job in the early years sector that they don’t know, promise to find out. These days it is the norms for even those in authority not to know the roles and responsibilities in their “Job Descriptions and Person Specifications”. Hence the reasons I am in the position I have found myself in and prone to full blown Depression. My Hidden Disability –which was exacerbated and triggered into Depression came about only because I am passionate about my work and wanted to do my very best as a result of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behaviours.

The unfair treatments started at King’s College Hospital “Kings Day Nursery Mapother House” where I worked from March 2003 – November 2008. I started studies with the #OU 2004 after I thought I landed what I considered my Ideal Job. I “intended to retire at Kings or return to Jamaica” whichever came first. However I had no inclinations how my life was to change over the next couple of years, despite me doing everything I thought to #protectmyself. Part of enhancing knowledge, involved me applying and promoting best inclusive practice from studies into the work places I was fortunate to be in. I made contributions to enable Kings to become a Beacon of Excellence in London Borough of Southwark. I was not prepared for the way my life was to change at Kings.

I must admit I am still naïve, trust, and respect and take each and every individual at face value to be genuine with no axe to grind. But “my naivety always seem to be my downfall” each time the HATERS strike. So KINGS, where my Depression was triggered became a distant memory over the years. Until I returned to South London after 5 years, and it was like I was schedule to relive my nightmare. Only this time the nightmare was worse than the first, and I have to come to terms with accepting who the perpetuators are in this sordid affair. The things that got to me were the similarities in the events and the persons involved. Like at KINGS, I was used and abused, my knowledge confiscated and used for others to accept the accolades and benefit in their career.

Once they got what they wanted by using me to build up their organisation to Beacon Status, then they set about kicking the ladder down to prevent me from climbing and abandoning me. I wouldn’t have minded if they had left me to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. But no, instead they were intent on total Destructions. “I begged, pleaded, bend over backwards and kiss arses, because I knew my situation”, but to no avail. From studies I now learn about transitions that can impact on one’s life and I have learned the hard way to my detriments. The patterns that run in my “transitions are inclusive of sufferings of sicknesses, bereavements after deaths and then being ganged up on and treated unfairly” on more than one occasions because of my knowledge, values and beliefs, Equality Act 2010.

This happened with my Dad who was struck down with Parkinson’s Disease at an early age” – approximately 49 to early 50’s when he was made Redundant from working. Dad lived to the age of 62 years old as “his family witnessed Parkinson Disease stripped him of every shred of Dignity” and made him a shell of his former self. My Uncle Dudley was brutally murdered at his home in Clarendon one Sunday morning was the next to go. We heard of his death on the news in 1976, the year my 1st son Kevin Murray, was born. My uncle Terah, Cardene Chambers dad, who was murdered at his home in St Catherine at the age of 50 years old was next to go. I heard about his murder on the news as well. He was instrumental, helping to bring about the COOP at Bernard Lodge Sugar Company.

Uncle Terah is the 1st of my relative to be buried on the Family Land. I remember every moment of my Grandmother’s actions as if it is yesterday, on the day they brought her son’s body home to be interred in the yard. This led to my “Grandmother being left Broken-hearted, took his death to heart and succumb to one of the strokes” which took her out of her suffering after 2 years. Grandma and Dad died a month of each other February and March of 1980. When Dad died it was more of a relief to his family than anything else. My brother died at the age of 37 years old in 1994, but I did not get to attend his funeral. He made all his funeral arrangements and I was able to contribute to that financially if not in person.

The thing about it, is my brother knew about his eminent demise and made all his plans. On reflections that was “brave of him as he kept going saying he was going to live forever, even when he knew he was dying”. Maybe I would have been “Cussing Bad Wuds about being cheated out of life”, at the age when I have such great plans to transform the lives of others? There was the case of my “other brother who died of CANCER”, within 3 months of a 3- 6 months life span diagnosis. That was one of the most difficult periods of my life because of the upheavals and turmoil contrived by some unscrupulous people with whom I work and their cohorts in a toxic environment. I asked for support resulting from studies. This was viewed as threats of the incompetence of some in authorities from some quarters.

When the same patterns of behaviours that happened at KINGS started at BIB – Myers v LEYF, not long after I returned from burying my MOTHER. I was not overtly worried as I thought that these things happened but once they get to know the “Jolly me, who is Mervelee Ratty Nembhard – Mervelee Myers” things would fall into place. The rest of the story is history for those who have been keeping up to date. I have been thrown into full blown “Depression, have a Nervous Breakdown, had Counselling” and being trying to get back control of my life. But my life has not been easy and last night I had a relapse. So I am getting threats from left, right and centre and I need to do my RESEARCH about someone’s Intellectual Property before too long.

But not to worry I will get there as I have weathered many storms in my – 60 years on God’s earth. These days I don’t take nothing or no one for granted because people are Fickle. I prefer to do things my way so when I “CUSS to help me be in control of the DEPRESSION”, so I don’t have to commit Criminal Acts, I don’t have to seek anyone’s approvals. If anyone want to “disown me and keep their distance as some have done, they are welcome and good luck and good riddance” to them. If they can do without me, I can do without them too and one less thing for me to “Stress about”. My PARENTS to whom I owe any obligations are DEAD and my children can stand on their two feet and be independent of me.

On a sound and positive note I still have my “Best Friend who understand when I explain about my Melt-Downs”, and will not judge me, even if she has to promise to get the “Jaize to wash out my Mouth”? I found another Ally in a Friend who knew me in my “Teens as a Care-Free, Feisty, and Happy Go-Lucky Girl”who I have forgotten I ever was. I am more than grateful for the rediscovery as I am having my morals boasted by this person who probably knows me more than how I remember myself in those carefree days. I know I can rely on someone to be there to tell me to “cry if I feel like crying, pray when I am not too cross with the GOD that keeps putting me in these Soul-Destroying situations and Cuss Bad Wuds” if that help. I know I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not and I am more than grateful.

Therefore when I am having my “Melt-Downs because I am trying to be in control of the DEPRESSION”, I know I can’t afford to be taken out. Because I have my TOM to think about, and he is affected by the same things that affect me. He is at the stage where the least thing will affect him and I don’t want to have anything on my conscience because of something I should have done and didn’t do because I am DEPRESSED. So my Fight4justice is for me but more for Tom because he has had to suffer for no fault of his own.

Tomorrow I dust myself off and start all over again. If one has not been in a situation where they experienced any sort of #debilitating conditions then they won’t know what I am trying to say. I told the Counsellor that I don’t mind becoming a Case Study in my Fight to cope with DEPRESSION, if it help one person to understand and come to terms with the Demons that try to take over and Destroy Lives, Andy Harrington – Jet Set Speaker. My life have always been an open book and no one needs worry about me claiming anything I share to be my Intellectual Property as I am yet to find out what that is. I am too busy trying to get my life back and beat down the barriers of Ignorance www.MerveleeConsultancy.uk, that can cause others to be bias, judgemental, and stereotypical and willingly label others because they are lacking knowledge.

For me WRITING is a form of #Therapy that I am using to tell my Stories. As I am sharing my life experiences, about how one can be affected by matters such as Disability, Love, Caring, Not Caring, Living a Full-Filling Life and just being thankful for the small mercies and blessings that we have been granted by GOD. Yes for anyone wondering, I have a Love/Hate relationship with the GOD whom I don’t seem to understand and know enough about. The GOD that allows the terrible things that happened and led to the DEPRESSION. But yes I sometimes view this as another way GOD is using me to make a difference. I have to take that round about journey to get to where GOD intends me to end up?

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Tribunals. Upon researching MERVELEE MYERS, I was surprised with my findings. I am included in Dr Maria Hudson of Essex University Research Paper: The Experience of Discrimination on Multiple Grounds.

This research was carried out for the Policy Studies Institute. It was used by Acas and I know for a fact that this was the reasons that Claimants were charged Fees to take their Employers to Court. But despite the recommendation put in place, nothing has changed. Because I had to represent myself again, when another Union Voice: the union for education professionals sold me out. My Racism claims were strike out after been sent back for considerations, by a #JudgeMartin, I will be researching asap.

The DWP cause me no ends of grief and I am still waiting for my claims re Universal Credit to be sorted out. Then HMRC got in the act breaching the Data Protection Act 1989 and claiming they did not know about me. I have been in Contact with the 2 PM David Cameron and Theresa May and Neil Coyle MP. I have written Open Letters to the Daily Express, Bates Wells Braithwaite, VOICE the union, by the way they still charging me #fees. Now they trying to get me to sign away my rights to my membership.

Resulting from the discrimination, including blacklisting and networking, I am unable to get a job. It is beneath my dignity to be forced to live on benefits, so I am empowering myself to start my own business. I am #investing in myself and is about to #publish my first book. Writing and photographing are two of my hobbies that I am hoping to use to kick-start brand Mervelee Myers as an #entrepreneur.

Everything is on hold until I get closure from the Employment Appeals Tribunal?